Setting Boundaries + journal prompts

Setting Boundaries

Setting a boundary is establishing clear limits or guidelines for acceptable behavior in relationships or interactions. It primarily focuses on the initial act of defining and communicating boundaries. I break down both setting and maintaining boundaries because they are very different beasts. This article focuses on: linking boundaries with personal values, exploring challenges/fears around setting boundaries, and a little bit on assertive communication for those who need practice “saying it with your chest”.

Boundaries and Personal Values

The link between personal values, needs, and setting boundaries is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and well-being. Personal values are like guiding stars, showing us what's important and right in our lives. Needs are like the things we must have to feel good and safe, like respect and independence. Setting boundaries means drawing lines about what's okay and not okay in our relationships and interactions. When we align our boundaries with our values and needs, it's like creating a map for healthy connections with others. This helps us feel confident, respected, and strong in ourselves. So, understanding this connection helps us make choices that keep us happy and safe while building positive relationships with others.

Accountability
Achievement
Adaptability
Adventure
Altruism
Ambition
Authenticity
Balance
Beauty
Being the best
Belonging
Career
Caring
Collaboration
Commitment
Community
Compassion
Competence
Confidence
Connection
Contentment
Contribution
Cooperation
Courage
Creativity
Curiosity
Dignity
Diversity
Environment
Efficiency
Equality
Ethics
Excellence
Fairness
Faith
Family
Financial stability
Forgiveness
Freedom
Friendship
Fun
Future generations
Generosity
Giving back
Grace
Gratitude
Growth
Harmony
Health
Home
Honesty
Hope
Humility
Humor
Inclusion
Independence
Initiative
Integrity
Intuition
Job security
Joy
Justice
Kindness
Knowledge
Leadership
Learning
Legacy
Leisure
Love
Loyalty
Making a difference
Nature
Openness
Optimism
Order
Parenting
Patience
Patriotism
Peace
Perseverance
Personal fulfillment
Power
Pride
Recognition
Reliability
Resourcefulness
Respect
Responsibility
Risk-taking
Safety
Security
Self-discipline
Self-expression
Self-respect
Serenity
Service
Simplicity
Spirituality
Sportsmanship
Stewardship
Success
Teamwork
Thrift
Time
Tradition
Travel
Trust
Truth
Understanding
Uniqueness
Usefulness
Vision
Vulnerability
Wealth
Well-being
Wholeheartedness
Wisdom

Common Barriers to Setting Boundaries

Exploring the challenges and fears associated with setting boundaries is crucial. Often those fears and challenges represent the protective mechanisms and beliefs that have previously kept a person safe and/or “connected” to someone else.

Some people fear that by asserting a boundary that they will be seen as “difficult” and that the other person will choose to leave the relationship because of the boundary.
Setting boundaries can trigger an internal message that says “self-care is selfish”, leading to feelings of guilt for prioritizing one’s own needs over someone else’s.
For those who fear of conflict or uncomfortable interactions, the “peace” of avoiding confrontation often feels safer than the potential tension caused by stating a boundary.
A belief that one doesn’t have the right to limit the behavior of others, or that others’ needs should automatically come first. Often stems from neglect or abuse.

Overcoming Barriers to Setting Boundaries

Practice self-compassion and self-validation.
Set realistic expectations for yourself and others.
Start small and gradually increase boundary-setting skills.
Seek support from trusted friends, family members, or professionals.

Assertive Communication

Assertive communication is a style of expressing oneself honestly, directly, and respectfully, while also respecting the rights and boundaries of others. It involves clearly stating one's needs, feelings, and boundaries without aggression or passivity. Assertive communication is important in expressing boundaries effectively as it promotes clarity, mutual understanding, and healthy interpersonal relationships.

Assertiveness isn’t just what you say, but how you say it. Maintain eye contact, use an even and calm tone, and have an open/relaxed posture reinforces the sincerity and firmness of the boundary.

Two effective ways to set a boundary include using DEAR MAN and I-Statements scripts. DEAR MAN offers some room for negotiation if the situation allows for it. I-Statements encourages one to stay connected to their own emotions and needs with little to no negotiation.

- Describe the current situation (if necessary). Stick to the facts. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to.
- Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Don’t assume that the other person knows how you feel.
- Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying “No” clearly. Do not assume that others will figure out what you want. Remember that others cannot read your mind.
- Reinforce (reward) the person ahead of time (so to speak) by explaining positive effects of getting what you want or need. If necessary, also clarify the negative consequences of not getting what you want or need.
- Mindful keep your focus on your goals. Maintain your position. Don’t be distracted. Don’t get off the topic. Speak like a “Broken record.” Keep asking for what you want. Or say “No” and express your opinion over and over and over. Just keep replaying the same thing again and again. Ignore attacks. If the other person attacks, threatens, or tries to change the subject, ignore the threats, comments, or attempts to divert you. Do not respond to attacks. Ignore distractions. Just keep making your point.
- Appear confident, effective, and competent. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating.
- Negotiate be willing to give to get. Offer and ask for other solutions to the problem. Reduce your request. Say no, but offer to do something else or to solve the problem another way. Focus on what will work.
“I feel [specific emotion] when [specific behavior/observation] happens. I would like/I need [boundary].” Example: “I feel dismissed when you’re on your phone and we’re talking about important things. I would like us both to be fully present in the conversation and without distractions.”

Journal Prompts: There is no “right way” to journal. Use full sentences, or don’t. Bullet point ideas. Draw pictures with an idea. Set a timer and free write for 5 minutes. Edit, or don’t edit. Use paper and pen/pencil, your phone notes app, Google doc. Save it, or delete it. Whatever. Do you. Just get your brain going.

How do you practice self-compassion and self-validation when setting boundaries, especially in the face of resistance or pushback from others?
Can you think of a time when seeking support from others helped you navigate challenges in setting boundaries? How did this support impact your ability to maintain your boundaries?
Identify a current situation where you need to set a boundary. Write out exactly what you would say using DEAR MAN and then again with an I-Statement. Which seems to fit best?